Regaining Balance
by HyourinShuriken
Summary: Basically this is set after the S8 finale. It's Cas' thoughts as he overlooks the 'bat cave' and thinks about everything that just happened. Angst!


Castiel stared at Sam and Dean's secret cave. He had been there a couple times before. Mainly, when he was recovering from Crowley ripping through his stomach. He guessed he liked it in there. It felt safe, more secure than the woods areas. It felt like a place Castiel would feel comfortable inside. Because comfort was something Castiel desperately needed right now. But Cas didn't advance to the front steps. Instead, he longingly glared at the entrance. Sam and Dean were inside, of course. Sam was sick beyond repair, but Dean didn't give up hope. Even though it took some time, Dean learned to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Well, Cas doubted he felt the same way now; after he failed Sam & Dean yet again.

Only an hour had elapsed since the sight. The sky seemed beautiful by an untrained eye. Colors lit up the night in ways that words could not describe. The falling angels were tragically beautiful, like murderous fireworks dancing around in the sky. Scientists were already declaring it 'the most unprecedented meteor shower in Earth's history'. If only they knew, Castiel thought.

The events that would ensue because of Castiel's mistake were unfortunate, to say the least. Everything rested in the mind of a psychotic angel. An angel that was deceitful, manipulative, and a hell of an actor. Metatron decides the course of the game now. And because of this, Sam & Dean will suffer even more. It will bring more death, more pain, and more peril upon these comrades. _Human_comrades, Castiel had to remind himself. Sam and Dean are only human. And humans are weak animals in comparison to angels… or so he's been told.

Castiel never really understood what it meant to be free before Sam and Dean. Obviously, God gave humans free will. But angels? That's a different story. Angels are warriors of God, Castiel inquired. And warriors don't need freedom, they need the complete opposite. They need guidance and straight-forward processing. Warriors need to be told what to do, no questions asked. But was this the right way to live? Sam and Dean surely didn't think so… but they're just humans! What are humans compared to angels? Why do these people have such a profound effect on the way Castiel thinks? It doesn't make sense… Then again, Castiel isn't an angel anymore. He's a fallen angel, comparable to the well-known Lucifer. Except Castiel was completely powerless, no help what-so-ever.

Castiel looked up into the sky, seeing one last 'firework' go off. It seems like someone is stabbing him in the chest. His siblings all falling from their home, because of him, because of his mistake. If only he hadn't believed Metatron, if only he listened to Naomi that one time, if only his grace hadn't been slit away, if only there were a way to undue everything bad that had ever happened to innocent people, if only…! Looking up again, Aker's wings were being cleaved off his backside, and set to fire. And that was it. The last set of wings burned into a raining pile of ash. Castiel was never one to have a wide rang of emotions, but here Castiel seemed to feel every ounce of emotion compiled inside him from his thousands of years. It felt like a black tsunami was entrapping him inside his own body. His soul froze ephemerally, and launched his mind into a complete shut down mode. Grabbing onto a piece of wood, Castiel calmed himself down. Why was it him that was constantly being tested? Why not some other angel in his garrison?

Focusing back to the house, Castiel realized that God was, in fact, an asshole. Maybe it wasn't intentional, and it sure hadn't started out that way. But for now, his dad was a complete dick. Not helpful, not caring, not showing any signs of appearance. And Cas hated it. He hated it with a burning passion. His father was supposed to help his sons and daughters when they were in desperate need; so where in His name was He? Dad, Castiel prayed, we need you right now.

And so Castiel found himself moving to stand upright. It was surprising how much more energy a simple action expended as a human, than when he was an angel. It wasn't like the experience he had during the apocalypse. That was a slow progression to humanity. It was different now. Every last bit of grace was stolen from him so suddenly it made nothing make sense.


End file.
